code orange: pepperoni alert

Went across the border to Blaine, a not-so-little town just south of the border today to visit my friend Joanne, who was there at a conference, and celebrate her birthday. What I thought was going to be a simple and pleasant evening turned out to be an adventure-and-a-half.

please step out of the car...
Got to the border with no problems. Traffic was easy and there was a very short line-up once I got there. I drove up to the border patrol, rolled down my window and that's when the trouble started.

Cast of characters:
Border Patrol Guy
Border Official
Border Patrol Lady
Pizza Lady
Me

Border Patrol Guy: (after asking all the basic 'where you from? what do you do?' sort of questions) Where you heading?

Me: Blaine.

Border Patrol Guy: What for?

Me: To visit a friend.

Border Patrol Guy (with raised eyebrows): A friend? In Blaine?

Me: Yeah.

Border Patrol Guy: She lives in Blaine?

Me: No, she lives in Seattle, she's staying at a hotel in Blaine.

Border Patrol Guy: Hmmm... (hands me a yellow ticket) You best go inside and see one of the Customs Officials inside. They'll need to inspect your car.

What?!? Do I look sketchy or something?!? Is he suspicious of me visiting my friend at a hotel? Does he think my friend is a "friend" of the variety?

Inside the Customs Office, while I'm waiting for my turn, I witness the follwing encounter. Turns out the folks at US Customs are bored or something and are making everyone come in. Just for kicks? You decide...

Border Official: Could you open those boxes so I can see what's inside?

Pizza Lady: (opening her two boxes of pizza) One's pepperoni and the other's a vegetarian. Is there a problem?

Border Official: Why are you brining pizzas across the border ma'am? Haven't you read the rules? You're only allowed to bring a light lunch across the border. Two pizzas does not consitute a 'light lunch.'

Pizza Lady: My daughter's flying out tonight and she wanted to have some Canadian pizza for her farewell meal...

Border Official: Well, I can let the vegetarian go, but we're going to have to conficate the pepperoni. Pepperoni has been historically known to contain traces of beef and beef by-products, and with the current state of Canadian meat, we cannot allow it to cross the border. We'll also have to fine you for attempting to bring it across the border.

Pizza Lady: (visibly stunned and a little annoyed) Ummm...okay?

Border Official: Ahem. Yes, would you like to take the pizza back with you into Canada and try to sell it or drop it off with relatives before returning to the United States?

Pizza Lady: No, that's fine.

Border Official: Okay. I just wanted to give you that option - otherwise, we will just destroy the pizza.

I thought to myself, "Yeah right, they're going to destroy it! They're so going to scarf down that pizza once the lady leaves! That's their dinner, right there!"

I also witnessed an encounter with Grocery Man, Chinese Mafia Man, and Construction Guy, but the one with Pizza Lady was the stupidest, so that's the one I chose to relate. Now for my stupid encounter...

Border Patrol Lady: So, what is the purpose of your trip?

Me: I'm visiting a friend in Blaine.

Border Patrol Lady: What's her name?

Me: Joanne. (In my head, I added, "Why, do you know her?")

Border Patrol Lady: And how do you know this friend of yours?

Me: She's my sister's godmother's daughter. (Really! No joke.)

Border Patrol Lady: (confused) Ummm...okay...

Then she asked a whole bunch of questions about drugs and alcohol, etc, etc...

Border Patrol Lady: Is the car you're driving licenced to you?

Me: No. It's in my mom's name. (I pay for it, but it's in her name for insurance purposes - it's cheaper that way. Trust me.)

Border Patrol Lady: Does she know you're driving it?

Me: Yep. (Sarcastically in my head, "No, you goofball! I'm joyriding with my mom's car and driving it across the border!")

Border Patrol Lady: Are you carrying $10,000 or more on your persons?

Me: (jokingly) Don't I wish!

Border Patrol Lady: (straight-faeced) Don't joke. This is serious.

Ahhh! The joys of hanging out with US government officials. Perhaps they had a Code Orange Alert or something. They were so self-important and serious while the bunch of us called in for questioning were trying to contain our laughter.

Anyway, I finally made it out of there and to Joanne's hotel. Turns out it was both her and her roomate's birthday, so we all went to bellingham for dinner. Had a great antipasto plate and a woodfired shrimp and artichoke pizza, fun conversation and lots of laughs. I always enjoy hanging out with Jo. Wish I could do it more often...but if I have to face encounters like that at the US border everytime I decide to visit, maybe I'll have to pass.

by mere pennies!
On another note, I finally placed the purchase order for my snazzy new computer system at work. After some fancy negotiation skills, I managed to get a top-of-the-line G5, Apple Cinema display, external hard drive, extra RAM, lots of fun software, plus a long-awaited desktop laser printer. The grand total came to 82 cents above my allowable budget of $11,300, including installation and taxes. So I brought the purchase order form over to our Controller for approval, along with 82 cents in coins. It made her laugh, and it made me happy. Now I wait for my baby to arrive...