wanted: nyc trip planner/tour guide

I'm gosh darned excited about going to see the bright lights of the big city, but way too lazy to plan my own trip. My super friend Lorraine, who recently resigned from the multinational hotel chain that she has been working at, has even offered me a friends and family discount rate before she leaves her job. The only problem is that I'm sick of looking at numbers and terrified of trying to figure out how much I can actually afford after everything is converted to Canadian Loonies. I'm not sure I can even afford to stay at said hotel chain even with the discount. This vexes my soul and makes my heart heavy. (Too melodramatic?) As I fly to Philly in about a week-and-a-half, here's my last-ditch plea to get someone else to plan my trip for me:

Trip planner/NYC tour guide wanted for August 21-26. Must be familiar with NYC (or at least know how to read a map). Only fun-loving, adventure-seeking individuals need apply. Spontaneity and general idiocy welcomed and generally encouraged. Payment will be rendered in the form of eternal gratitude (not in monetary exchange, since I will have little or none left after paying for the hotel). Free meals may be granted. The offering of my firstborn (if that is what you so desire as payment for services rendered) can also be negotiated. All interested parties are asked to submit their applications in the comments section below.